All of Me: My Extraordinary Life by Barbara Windsor & Robin McGibbon

Author:Barbara Windsor & Robin McGibbon [Windsor, Barbara & McGibbon, Robin]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Actresses, Autobiography, Biography, Non-Fiction, Personal Memoirs
ISBN: 9780747266440
Google: _WDZHAAACAAJ
Publisher: Headline
Published: 2001-02-15T00:00:00+00:00

20

IT WAS MY EYES. My eyelids were heavy, as if all my sadness and worry were weighing them down. Although the idea of meddling with nature still seemed scary to me, I decided to see a specialist to have a bit of fat – and, I hoped, a few years – removed. When I told Stephen, he said: ‘Don’t be so silly.’ He knew I was against cosmetic surgery so I don’t think he thought I was serious. But the next day I went to see a doctor in Harley Street. He conceded that perhaps a little fat could come out, though he didn’t think it was really necessary. However, when he heard how unhappy I was, and in much need of a boost, he agreed to go ahead and give me the operation I wanted.

Stephen did not see me again until four days after the operation. I was sitting in bed in the London house, both eyes so bruised and swollen it looked like I’d gone several rounds in the ring with Mike Tyson. Stephen’s face fell when he saw me. ‘Oh, Barbara, what have you done to yourself?’ he said. Then he just burst into tears and took me in his arms and cuddled me.

Even so, the operation did nothing to change his attitude: it seemed he was still more in love with his ‘mistress’ than he was with me. The eye job did nothing for me, either. The renewed confidence I’d hoped for didn’t materialise because I didn’t feel, or look, any different, so the surgery served no purpose, and I regretted having had it done.

I decided I would draw comfort from the people who, unlike the men in my life, had never let me down: the great British public. I began to carve out a new life for myself in London, making myself so busy, taking almost every job that came along, that I hardly had time to even think about my disintegrating marriage and non-existent sex life. I knew that being unfaithful to Stephen was not the answer, and I just got used to it. Instead I found that performing on stage gave me an even bigger high than ever. It was like a substitute for sex, and the love and adulation of audiences replaced the affection I was missing in my private life. I began to understand what Kenny Williams had meant when he told me once that he could get a non-physical orgasmic experience from listening to a marvellous piece of music.

After a show I would hang around outside the stage door chatting to fans. I wanted to know where they had come from, what they were doing, and, of course, I’d write personal messages in their autograph books. In the best showbiz tradition, I put on a happy face.

It was the weirdest lifestyle. I’d always been a good timekeeper, but now I started ruling myself by the clock: if I had to get up at 7 a.m. I’d be wide awake at 6.

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